Some days I feel like the reason I have not achieved my goals, after years of making and starting plans, is that I am secretly undermining myself. Thyroid issues aside. Not remaining focussed, not remaining committed, not remaining motivated and enthusiastic and energetic. Deep down, I wonder if I am scared to succeed because of the hard job of upkeep once I lose weight. Perhaps I don’t want to get to my goal weight, or even near-enough to be happy, because I worry that I will slip back into bad habits and will blow out again and look weak and hopeless to those around me.

Gaining is so easy and losing can be so hard. It would be too easy to slowly creep up again if my new concrete philosophy about eating well and exercising hasn’t set properly by the time I get to my goal. I would notice in the clothing I wear though, and that would be a reminder to do something then and there, not go and buy something that fits which would give me the feeling of comfy clothing being all ok, not that my old ones are getting tight and I need to action that.

It’s a hard road ahead and it will be a long road. Not as long as some, when you look at people in magazines, on other blogs and weight loss sites, television weight loss programs or people around you in the street and family members. There is some reason deep down inside me as to why I don’t keep the focus to keep the momentum even though I see what great things these other people achieve. It frustrates me. Do I not feel worthy of being happy and healthy? Am I *so* lazy that it all seems just too hard? Am I scared to be what I might start to consider “good looking” or “attractively slim” and get some glances?

I’d like to not have a big bum or a big tummy or big arms or big thighs. I’d like to feel and look nice in clothing that I see and try on but don’t buy because the template didn’t translate well to a bigger size. I am about the average national dress size where I live, yet some days I feel like the biggest girl I know. Most people I know and work with and associate with are all trim or slim. Figures that I envy. Figures that I would love to snap my fingers and have in an instant.

What I want to lose might seem like the ‘first goal’ to some people who need to lose more than me. I want to lose about 22 kilograms or roughly 48 pounds. I know that I need to break this down into small goals, 5 kilos at a time, then the next 5. Looking too far ahead to see the end now can be daunting and scary and can seem impossible. If I break it down and focus from one week to the next on being under the next increment of a round number, then it shouldn’t take too long before I achieve the first 5kg loss. Then the next 5. I just can’t think of it as all 22 kilos at once. If I look at my loss as a small amount off the total, it will feel like I am never going to get there.

I want to get there.

I have to get there.

I will get there.